A person drives a bird scooter in Fort Collins on Thursday, November 21. Bird Scooters arrived in Fort Collins in the fall of 2019, offering a different mode of transportation for commuters, more accessible and more environmentally friendly. (Skyler Pradhan | College student)

In the days of the COVID-19 pineapple, all we have left is chaos. Instead of trying to capture the passage of time or make sense of the utter madness, it’s better to just give in to the fact that this is a lawless land. It’s still or be yeeted.

That being said, there are a few social norms on campus that are overdue for people to break. Let’s throw caution to the wind.

Drive to the “do not enter” location

Next to the Colorado State University Transit Center at the Lory Student Center is an area closed to traffic in both directions. Even though you’re not supposed to walk past the ‘do not enter’ signs, I do it all the time and haven’t been caught yet. If we all do, can they really stop us?

Stay at the behavioral sciences pavilion

In the good old days, the BSB didn’t really close. You could stay in the building until 4 a.m. and no one would stop you. It’s time to bring this tradition back. Better yet, let’s camp outside! What better way to create those sweet college memories than to pitch a tent with the brothers. If they want to complain, just explain to them that this is a social experiment – it is the Behavioral sciences Building, after all.

Call your teacher “mom” or “dad”

It’s an old man but a goodie. Nothing makes a teacher more uncomfortable than questioning power dynamics. Maybe they’ll even feel bad enough for you that you don’t have a strong parenting figure and give you an extension.

Tell her you love her after you have sex. Show emotion. What is there to lose? “

Carry merchandise from the University of Northern Colorado

Representing the Buff country is one thing, but UNC is like the weird middle child, and if you represent them it will leave people confused rather than bitter. Puzzlement is a much bigger moment than resentment.

Vote in the Presidential and Vice Presidential Student Associates at Colorado State University

What are you, some kind of nerd? Last time I checked, no one cares where their tuition fees go, so taking the time to vote will make you stand out from the crowd.

Spend the night in a fraternity house

Generally, I like to use the classic “smash and dash” tactic, but if you’re looking for an original standard to shatter, go beyond your welcome! Make yourself at home; leave your spare toothbrush there to mark your territory. Start asking him when he wants to meet your parents. Tell her you love her after you have sex. Show emotion. What is there to lose?

Drive a Bird scooter inside the LSC

Will you be arrested? No, you’ll be too quick for any cop. Are you going to create a very special lifetime memory? Certainly.

Participate in a sect

Did I say worship? I meant any ceremony in Greek life. Lend allegiance to your siblings by standing in a dark room while being told how to act and what to say.

Hack Canvas’s mainframe and edit your notes

Hey, it’s your tuition you’re spending, so you might as well get your money’s worth. Remember, this is a lawless country and everyone is cheating anyway.

Steal a stress reliever puppy

If they don’t provide legitimately effective mental health resources, the least you can do is bring home a fat little golden retriever to fill the ubiquitous hole in your cold, dead heart.

Become a major in business

Nothing says “I’m a clown” like selling yourself to society. Do your knees hurt from all the time you spend trying to please your daddy Jeff Bezos?

Whichever standard you choose to break, remember that being a rule-breaking thug is a phase we all have to go through, COVID-19 peninsula or not.

Editor’s Note: It’s a satire of April Fool’s Day. Real names and the events around them can be used in a fictitious / semi-fictitious manner. Those who do not read the editor’s notes may be offended.

The Unprecedented Times reporter Dog Blouch can be reached at [email protected] or on Twitter @BlouchCat.



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