Each episode of Calm your enthusiasm could be one of the most memorable. Each in and of themselves was a gem that went beyond entertaining us and making us laugh, to teach us an aberrant social lesson – all coming from the warped mind of Larry David. 2015 marks the 15th anniversary of this offensive, outrageous and awesome show that took the squeakiest parts of Seinfeld and raised them to 11. After 15 years, here are the top 15 social rules that – although we hope you’ll never follow them – are part of the Curb legacy.
Social rule 1. If someone despises you, come back to their good graces by telling them a life-saving secret. It was no shock that Paul Reiser’s wife Mindy hated Larry for always ignoring her. But when Wanda Sykes confided in him that there could be a terrorist attack in LA, he revealed to Mindy this secret that saved her life. When it turned out that wasn’t true, Mindy started to hate Larry again.
Social rule 2. At least 50 percent of all men accused of having a small penis are victims of women with large vaginas. When Jeff is accused of having a little wink, Larry is anxious to confront him, until Jeff quickly explains that it is not his small member, but Nurse Lisa’s big vagina that has. makes her shmanky look smaller.
Social Rule 3. If you want to know the bra size of your friend’s wife, you must first reveal your wife’s bra size. Cheryl insists their housekeeper, Maria, wear a bra or be fired, so Larry decides to buy Maria a bra. Susie is the same size, but when Larry asks Jeff what Susie’s bra size is, he won’t give up on the merchandise until Larry shares Cheryl’s measurements.
Social Rule 4. The Dry Cleaning Rule: Sometimes you accidentally pick up someone else’s things and keep them, but that balances out because sometimes they pick up yours. When Larry’s dry cleaner loses his favorite baseball jersey, he learns this unwritten rule. When he calls on Senator Barbara Boxer to help him change the law, he finds her wearing stranger pants.
Social rule 5. If you have nine children, it is because you are selfish. When Larry learns that Cha-Cha’s boss, Bert, has nine children, he tells Bert, âIt’s a little selfish to have so many of you. You want to bring more you in the world?”
Social rule 6. Anyone can play bongos; you don’t need skill to type something. Larry used to think that other people’s jobs seemed easy. The bongos are only one, before it was barber and car salesman!
Social rule 7. When sharing the check at dinner, you must coordinate the tip. When Larry tries to make a Seinfeld reunion takes place, he and Jason Alexander go out for lunch and decide to share the bill. But when Jason refuses to coordinate the tip, Larry is humiliated when he finds out Jason left twenty dollars more than him.
Social rule 8. When you receive a ânot recommendedâ referral, don’t hire that person. Michael McKean plays an antagonistic director Larry hates. When he asks Larry to recommend him for a project with Lewis, Larry makes the non-recommend recommendation, which Lewis completely misses. “I put quotes around itâ¦ I thought you would understand that was a recommendation not recommended!”
Social Rule 9. There is one definitive way to eat caviar at a party. Take a small step aside for twenty minutes, then you can come back for more. Christian Slater discovers it the hard way at Ted and Mary’s party.
Social Rule 10. The best way to avoid going to a party is to show up the next night and pretend you got the wrong date. Larry doesn’t want to go to another boring Funkhouser party, so he shows up the next night; but the Funkhomers insist that he join them anyway.
Social rule 11. Three days is the birthday deadline. Larry is upset to have to attend Ben Stiller’s birthday party two weeks after Ben’s birthday. He tells another guest that you have three days, in mind: “No more than that, it’s not your birthday anymore, wait until next year!” “
Social rule 12. There is a “sorry window”. Two years after someone’s death, don’t expect âsorryâ anymore. Larry says, “It’s like saying Happy New Year in October.”
Social rule 13. The five-second hug rule. Aunt Ray found out the hard way (pun intended) that Larry couldn’t control his erection when a hug lasted more than five Mississippis.
Social Rule 14. Doctors’ offices shouldn’t bother with appointments, they should get numbers like a bakery. Larry’s strict rules start from the start of the show. In season one, episode five, his doctor sees a patient who signed up before him, even though her appointment was after his.
Social Rule 15. The best way to deal with someone who talks loudly on their cell phone in public is to talk even louder to someone in particular. In the episode “The TiVo Guy”, Larry has dinner next to a very noisy Bluetooth user. When the guy doesn’t lower his voice, Larry starts talking to himself at full volume.